When Marko saw my ex's name on the screen, I immediately rolled my eyes. I said he would not leave me alone. It was not the whole answer, but it made me appear decisive and innocent. My ex neither threatened me nor arrived uninvited. He wrote occasionally, and I continued conversations more often than I wanted to admit. I showed Marko the latest message, never the one with which I had reopened the door the day before.
I said I was trying to be polite. In reality I liked feeling someone from the past still wanted to hear from me. Things were good with Marko, but I sought reassurance in old messages for the part of me unreconciled with the breakup. I did not want the former relationship restored. I wanted its attention while having Marko comfort me about attention presented as a burden.
One evening he offered to speak to my ex and ask him to stop. I objected immediately, too sharply. I said I wanted no drama. Marko asked why, then, I brought every call into our evening. My prepared account failed. If they actually spoke, he would hear another story, perhaps my recent question about whether he ever missed me. That sentence did not fit the role I assigned myself.
I admitted initiating conversations too. Marko did not demand my entire phone. He said he did not want to supervise someone he should trust. I asked whether he could understand how hard ending my previous relationship had been. He replied that he could, but understanding did not mean playing protector against a situation I maintained myself. For the first time I saw how little room I left for his feelings.
I wrote to my ex that I would stop sending ambiguous messages and had been dishonest toward my new partner. I did not blame his persistence. I gave Marko time without daily reports of good behavior. We met less frequently for several weeks. I missed him, and then most wanted to seek familiar attention elsewhere. Instead I stayed with the discomfort I had previously distributed between two men.
We continued our relationship more cautiously. I no longer comment on every old contact as proof of being desired or expect Marko repeatedly to confirm he deserves me. Sometimes I remember my ex and regret how things ended. That need not become a message. I can have unresolved feelings without making them a task for the man beside me asking how my day went.